The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Read this instead

2005-09-01T14:58:00.000-04:00

It's funny, I'll probably never return.

Being dead and all.

Fortune Favors the Bold

2005-05-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

And is there anything so bold as making actually 80, looks 800, Don Knotts the center piece of your town's festival and parade... and putting it off until AUGUST.

That's what some shit hole in West Virginia did.

Plus they are going to have a film festival and brew a special beer in his honor that when imbued makes you piss your pants and flirt with Joyce DeWitt just like the real Knotts.

Have mercy baby
I hope you don't mind

Hey remember Hockey?

2005-05-05T15:56:00.000-04:00

Neither do we.

But we do remember this 2002 ESPYs skit featuring Chris Cheliblos.

What we wouldn't pay to see Lord Stanley's cup shoved up his candy ass by Jules.

11 years later, still best.

Cause my colors death
thou we all want peace
but our war won't end,
till all wars cease.

Quick Hits from the Prez

2005-04-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

’Sheed... MMMMMBEST!

Meteor Shower Surprises New England.
Old England laments, "How come nothing exciting ever happens here?"

Jackson Prosecutors to Wrap Up Case.
"In closing and in summation... COME ON WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS FREAK... I MEAN... ARGGHHHH... THE GUY IS SUCH A FREAK... I'M LIKE TEARING MY HAIR OUT HERE... DID YOU HEAR ANY OF THIS SHIT?"

"Now, if they can get either Joey Harrington or Jeff Garcia to play like Scott Mitchell – then they’ll really be onto something special."
Worst advice ever -- Now if we can only get Bush to act like Nixon... well at least he'd get caught.

Bolton Urged to Withdraw As U.N. Nominee
Shouldn't have cut your hair -- it was one of those Sampson kinda deals. But what did you expect from a man who loves a woman but hates international bodies that promote global solutions to bi-lateral and multi-lateral international discrepancies.

Before the beginning of the Civil War I once encountered Jefferson Davis on the streets of Washington, exchanged pleasantries and posed the simple question, "Do you have a small dick? Cause you sure act like a guy who’s intimidated by the mere thought of an entire race of dudes packing more heat than you."

I didn't bother to get into why some pompous southern asshat would be thinking about black schlong all day -- I didn't want to get brain on my new jacket when his head exploded.

Just like Muhummad Ali they called him Cassius

Full Disclosure

2005-04-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

It's come to my attention that outing anonymous bloggers is the flavor of the week -- "the new black" to borrow from one of the five approved blogging clichés -- obvs.

So I thought it prudent to come clean before some clever bloggarati (Jazzbot)or full-time blog sleuth, part-time barista came after MVB.

That's right, it's true, I, Gorilla am Martin VanBuren.

In fact, the real Martin VanBuren died in 1862 and as far as the historical record shows, never said, "dude, She-MARS."

I know what you are thinking, you're thinking, "didn't you pretty much let this pitiful excuse for a blog die on the vine months ago, why bother with full disclosure now?"

Right, but how do you know one of my ROOMATES didn't let this pitiful excuse for a blog die on the vine months ago?

"You mean your wife?"

Could be. Or what about my dogs? They're home all day, lots of free time, probably watching TV, they easily could have ordered an associates degree in blogging from ITT Tech or the University of Phoenix.

"So you are saying your dogs wrote MVB?"

Come now, lets not be ridiculous, dogs can't write blogs, they lack opposable thumbs.

They simply told me to write MVB... WITH THEIR MINDS!!

You know they are quite remarkable... not just my dogs, but dogs in general, like as a species. And so full of suggestions.

Dogs, always talked about... wait, no, that's Strays.

But I digress.

I just thought I point out that most of the people I said mean things about were either dead, the President of the United States or celebrities, who as we all know, aren't really people anyway.

I for example would never make disparaging comments about an entire nation of people. For example, I like the Jews, but not at the expense of the Arabs, who also have many fine qualities. And Middle-Eastern food is great -- kudos to the both of you on that – shwarma, baba ganoush -- fun to eat, fun to say.

I mean sure, there was that one thing about killing Indians but that was a joke, so it doesn't really count against me.

"What about that one time you suggested a certain well known blogger had multiple vaginas?"

Uh, yeah, that was an sms message I sent when I stole the person in question's phone number, not a post and I'd like to point out that I nearly apologized for that.

So in closing and in summation, I am MVB and I am not sorry for writing funny jokes over the course of a few months -- but I think both of them were worth it.

When I say freeze you just freeze one time
When I say freeze y'all stop on a dime
FREEZE!

Even his kid prefers Sanders.

2005-03-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

Nikolai Bonds was shattered today after finding out his dad was Barry Bonds not Barry Sanders out side a hospital where his father had knee surgery.

"Barry Bonds? You mean the asshole who's going to take Hammering Hank's home run record?"

He continued, "The same guy who used to be as skinny as me and now has a neck like my thighs is my dad?"

"Holy shit, you are Barry Bonds. Why did you give me this jersey and have me talk to Wayne Fontz on the phone? Why did we visit OK State? Did you think I wouldn't find out? God you really are a roided up douchebag."

Roar roar like a dungeon dragon.

Other Wisdom I can appreciate

2005-03-15T11:02:00.000-05:00

Opinions are like the external anal sphincter muscle. Every asshole's got one.

Abraham Lincoln, President, Martyr, Anatomy Buff

Where oh where has my little gum gone?

2005-03-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

EDITORS NOTE: OH HE'S BACK, THANKS BE TO JEBUS

More like StereoGONE or Stereo-IFORGOTTOPAYMYANNUALURLFEE or StereoMYSERVERCRASHED.

Roebucks man, where you at?

Where will I get my shirtless pictures of Kevin Federline or links to streaming audio of un-ironically retro bands who are one keytar away from crossing over from Joy Division to the land of Kajagoogoo?

I'm aimlessly adrift on this oceanic deluge of digital information and without the brilliant beacon of Stereogum I might never again find the shore lined with the flotsam contents of Hillary Duffs purse or the jetsam cover Hilton sisters.

Just kidding -- but isn't it fun to pretend that blogs are important, useful or mildly entertaining?

I drink water 20 gallons a pop and I can throw a Volkswagen a whole half block (he can do it too)

Bart! Lisa! LOOK OUT

2005-02-28T09:56:00.000-05:00

Sideshow Bob's escaped from prison again and has obviously killed the guy who sells programs at Circ de Sole for his clothes and been pounding le kremes de krispy like the diabolical madman he is.

Plus seers and full-on roebucks, nice effin' harmonies on your busted ass song -- it's called singing in tune ya' washed up cartoon crooning bastards.

Best Original Song?

More like weak ass category.

They couldn't even Booty-licious up those terds to make them palatable.

You got girl problems I feel bad for you son

Goodnight Gonzo

2005-02-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

As by now you've heard The Great Gonzo died by his own hand last weekend.

It's really so sad.

Presumably he shot himself with cannon filled with chickens, but we can only speculate until the autopsy comes out I guess.

Apparently, police also would like to question this man, who was seen with Gonzo a few days before his death at a local Blotter, Acid, Handgun and Convertible trade show down by the fairgrounds.

If you know anything about his current location, you are of course encourage to contact local authorities, unless you're so paranoid you've locked yourself up with a bunch of grapefruit.

Don't let the drink get like that y'all, huh
Pour out a little liquor
Pour out a little liquor
What's that you drinkin on?

What do you buy for the dead President with everything?

2005-02-21T09:18:00.000-05:00

Surprise me.

Happy President's Day one and all -- sorry you can't get your mail or go to the bank, but it leaves you more time to do that "last minute" President's Day shopping.

PS I don't need anymore deeply discounted toaster ovens.

He's the greatest of the greater, getting straight A's grade.
Playing fame cause his name is known in every state.
His name is Jay to see him play will make you say:
"Goddamn, that DJ made my day!"

I never liked you

2005-02-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

I realize my success in all and every venture I consider vexes you quite terribly.

I can only assume my brilliance and overwhelming, magnetic machismo fill you with a burning envy that both inspires a seething fixation of hateful resignation and a paradoxical dose of awe, respect and desire.

I suppose it's easy enough to understand.

I am an awesome specimen.

A bigger man would forgive your consternation and frustration as the inevitable result of his own greatness.

Not me.

You see, I'm a bit on the short side and filled with a bit of the old Van Buren complex as a result (NAPOLEON can suck it).

I've always sensed that you smelled of root vegetables, and not the carrot or potato variety, but more of the turnip, rutabaga sort.

Before the bile soaked words you pass off for conversation pass your lips, you can see your very stupidity well up in your pores and begin to ooze like gangrenous puss.

I understand your mother died during your childbirth and I must admit I struggle to understand how a woman with the wisdom not to make your acquaintance could have not killed you in the womb?

I suppose that is a bit much to expect from a retarded prostitute.

Oh, and by the way you're sort of cunt.

Sincerely,
Your hero and the Bain of your existence
MVB

Taken from a note circulated to every member of the Senate upon my elevation from Vice-President to the Presidency

You step to Dre you step to Death Row

WORLD EXCLUSIVE JACKSON UPDATE

2005-02-17T14:06:00.000-05:00

Earlier today Michael Jackson displayed what was clearly half of a note that had been ripped into two pieces from his LA hospital room .

WWMVB has gotten exclusive rights to photos of the other half of the note.

It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder

Reasons I'm not Testifying for Michael Jackson

2005-02-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

10. I died in 1862.
A minor detail that rarely keeps me out of the limelight.

9. Laughed uproariously when my friend Gary made a "whipping off Bubbles" joke--didn't see Tito behind the counter at Hardees.
I was slightly embarrassed, but got the curly fries anyway.

8. Once, asked Michael's dad when he decided to start wearing shoes.
Eight Men out jokes aren't as popular with domineering old black men as they are with say... John Cusack.

7. Uri Geller predicted the witness list would come down to me and David Blaine, Blaine won.
Blaine hangs with Leo, I hang with Andrew Jackson... and even the dude on the $20 can't compete with those baby blues.

6. Liz Taylor and I were briefly married in the 1850's, I'm sure she just doesn't want to run into me at the courthouse.
She looks a little rough now, but in the first half of the 19th century... hum-ana hum-ana!

5. They only really need one celebrity witness. That's right Stevie Wonder saw everything!
OH NO YOU DIDN'T! OH SNAP I DID! I make fun of the disabled, it's what I do.

4. Mark Geragos tried to imply that I killed Laci Peterson after that Satanist bullshit wouldn't fly.
I'm not one to hold a grudge, but that was pretty weak.

3. If I was in the courtroom there's a good chance I would undermine Jay Leno's testimony by repeating [cough]you're-a-effing-hack[cough] the entire time he was on the stand.
What can I say, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

2. They said I was less articulate than Aaron Carter, less credible than Larry King and less drunk than Diana Ross.
Well when you've got a point, you've got a point.

1. I wasn't even asked.
[SIGH, single tear]

Look at me
I'm skinny
It never stopped me from getting busy

I hear that

2005-02-14T09:30:00.000-05:00

In a stunning achievement, researchers at the University of Michigan Medical School have reversed deafness in guinea pigs by inducing the formation of cochlear hair cells.

Reached for comment by telephone, Oscar winner Marlee Matlin said, "Will you stop calling on the phone, I can't hear what you are saying, I'm deaf, I can't hear at all, send me an email or use the TTY phones."

Matlin continued in her silly, slurred deaf lady voice, "you people are such assholes, calling deaf people on the phone to make fun of them, it isn't funny at all."

But it don't rain for four weeks some summers
And it's about to get real wild in the half

I'm Freakin Out Here MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-02-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

This week the Bush White House asked the Supreme Court to block a New Mexican church from using the hallucinogenic, hoasca tea in it's religious ceremonies.

Good to know we've got our priorities in the war on drugs straight -- crack and horse still run the inner cities, every red state is practically busting at the gills with meth and hillbilly heroine and the Bush administrations is NARCIN' on a handful of old hippies searching for God in the desert.

IT'S NEW MEXICO!!!

Do you think there is something else to do out there?

Maybe go to Wal Mart, build a big freakin’ sand castle, watch your next door neighbor from 50 miles away throw pottery -- not a whole lot going on.

Well I think it's booty
b-b-b-booty
booty

Sit with me at the Black Table

2005-02-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

Page down on this link and you'll find my entry on this week's edition of the Black Table's Black List.

I go uptown
I come back home
Just me
Myself
And my microphone

Must I Fight the Slave Trade at Every Turn?

2005-02-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

PBS Special Explores Slavery

When I read that headline today, I was frankly shocked and decided to formulate an opinion in the absence of further information, a rational explanation or "reading the article."

How could the venerable Public Broadcasting System even entertain the idea of keeping other humans in forced servitude?

I spent the better part of my days fighting against the idea of slavery and frankly I can't believe anyone would consider it's reintroduction... well maybe those fuckers at NPR those bastards will consider anything, all things even.

So PBS don't lower yourselves to the debauched immoral level of public radio, you’re TV, you have pictures and Muppets and guys in turtlenecks who's turtlenecks we can see--you can't break that sacred moral trust.

In closing and in summation, NPR supports slavery and Terry Gross should be run out town on a rail for her incessant racist tirades.

I'm a slave to the rhythm

Russel Simmons Def Animal Abuse Hotline

2005-02-02T09:12:00.000-05:00

The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals has recruited hip-hop impresario Russell Simmons to promote a new toll-free hotline for New Yorkers to report abuse of animals.

Reached for comment while fur shopping for his hot Asian wife, Simmon's noted, "there is nothing cool about being cruel to animals. They have no choice or voice."

Simmon's continued, "And if I have to explain to one more of you damn reporters that this isn't a hotline for the abuse of deaf animals, but a def animal abuse hotline, I will kill one of your children. That's how strongly I feel about def animal abuse."

Continuing to beat the proverbial dead horse Simmons noted, "Don't make me kill your children."

That's the way it is, so stay the hell back
We're causin hard times, for sucker MC's
Cause they don't make no songs like these
PERIOD!

Global Round-up

2005-02-01T08:54:00.000-05:00

Nepalese King Gyanendra imposed a state of emergency on his small Himalayan constitutional monarchy this week, cutting off internet and telephone access to the outside world.

While the King is blaming Marxist rebels and the leading democratic party is calling this a royalist coupe -- I'm pretty sure someone in the parliament made fun of the dude's hat.

Don't eff with a dude's haberdashery unless you desire a beat down.

Iraqi President Ghazi al-Yawer said that American troops should remain in his country to help bring about stability, to protect his ass and because they told him they were going to stay anyway. He then looked directly at the camera, wagged his finger furiously and challenged all and any members of al-Qaida to face him in a steel cage match with the Iron Sheik in Madison Square Garden early in the Spring of 1983.

I've often suggested that the Iraqi insurgency could be broken with the camel clutch, but other's disagree. Some of my sources inside the al-Yawer staff have expressed doubt over the steel cage strategy because they say the Iron Sheik was not Iraqi until sometime during the first Gulf War when he faced GI-Joe's own Sergeant Slaughter. Prior to that the former WWF champ was most definitely Iranian and still many speculate that he is in fact just some Italian guy from Queens.

Shake shake it baby
Shake shake it

Posting Once a Week Better than No Posting at All?

2005-01-31T13:05:00.000-05:00

Some say, that's a crock of shit.

On to Monday's RECKLESS SPECULATION!!!!

Contrary to popular rumor, Jesus the Christ will not be making his second coming at this year's Coachella Festival. This also probably puts the breaks on Satan's thousand years of pain tour that was rumored to kick off this summer with Wolf Eyes and Tegan and Sara in support.

Dutch Scientists say that smoking harms women more than men.

Jeez women, what's the deal? Can't deal with a little smoky treat? Ya sound like a bunch of gays.

Michael Jackson fans gathered outside a California court room today hoping to catch of glimpse of the King of Pop, maybe a stray nose or even some wine in a Coke can with a ho-jo chaser.

Great White singer, Jack Russell has yet to answer lawsuits over incinerating most of his fan base in a 2003 club fire.

Said a confused Russell, "Jack Russell never answers to the Suits."

Dude, they're not that kind of... oh never mind.

Russell should probably be leary of lawsuits, after all he did earn a small fortune for his work in Frasier.

Marlon Brando's Tahitian ex-wife, Tarita Teriipaia has written a book about her 43-year relationship with the dominate acting presence of the 20th Century.

That reminds me, John C Calhoun had a thing for Tahitian chicks.

He never actually saw one, but he once heard some naval officers describing how hot they were -- I can only assume he came into the conversation after they mentioned they were brown -- the racist SOB never would have gone for it otherwise.

I can only assume he believed Tahiti to be a small Island off of Iceland, filled with busty Nordic sex goddesses.

Hmmm, Nordic Tahitian sex goddesses, come to think of it, that does sound pretty good.

I'm the ace in the place kickin' rhymes in your face
I'm outright, outstanding, outrageous, I'm smokin
Never play on the mic, no jivin', no jokin

It's Monday So It Must Be Time For...

2005-01-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

RECKLESS SPECULATION!!!!!!

That's right, it's our newest feature at WWMVB, Reckless Speculation.

In this weekly feature, we'll give you all the news that the even most culturally illiterate, spiteful and bile incrusted retards won't print!

By now, everyone has heard that Johnny Carson died at age 79, but did you know that according to a source we'll only refer to as "Johnny's Son" to protect his identity, it was the mere mention of Fran Drescher's new sitcom that killed the late night king?

This weekend Christian Slatter was involved in a knife attack in which no one was stabbed or even cut. The Reckless Speculation desk can only recklessly speculate that the assailant of the desperate for any effing headline anywhere ex-star-hunk was either Stephen Hawking, the long dead Queen Mum or the "I have no legs guy" from Kids.

Did you know the "family illness" that is delaying the new U2 tour is actually a chronic shortage of Bono's Grecian Formula caused by the recent TSUNAMI?

MAYBE THEY SHOULD START CALLING IT SRI LANKIAN FORMULA!!!!

This just in from our man with his ear to the ground, SIX FEET UNDERGROUND THAT IS, former Secretary of State and corrupt bargain maker, Henry Clay, your Mom's a bit of slut.

For a Whig, Henry you slay me, even though I'm ALREADY DEAD!!

Back to the fact I'm the Mack and I know that

Oh, that sounds fun

2005-01-21T06:31:00.000-05:00

Inaugural balls... for something with the word "balls" in them they sound pretty tame to me.

Some say dullest balls since Bocce.

Here's a quick breakdown of the President's evening:

The Bush's visited all 10 Inaugural parties

Got home to the White House by 10pm, an hour and a half ahead of schedule.

Babs Bush breast fed Duyba for 20 minutes and he was out like a light.

And people wonder why this guy has to invade countries to get a boner.

Pussy momma's boy.

Now I cold rock a party in a b-girl stance
I rock on the floor make the fellas wanna dance

Stick and Stones Will Break Your Bones, Unless You're Surrounded by Heavily Armed Security

2005-01-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

So today is inauguration day, yippe frickin' skippy.

Yes there are crazy parties and designer dresses for the cute twin and "the other one," but in all likelihood this inauguration will be remembered for yet again stepping security up a notch.

There are a 100 fortified blocks in every direction of the White House and Capitol Hill.

Snipers. Bomb sniffing dogs. Undercover agents and police of all conceivable varieties and jurisdictions. Miles of metal barricades. Military fly overs, etc. etc.

Most ridiculous of all, protesters (who due to what the administration must deem an annoying clause in the first amendment have a right to assemble, all be it on a very small piece of real estate) are not allowed to put their signs on poles or sticks.

We've surrounded the President and his posse with more armed men then we sent into Iraq and we're concerned about sticks?

During the last Bush parade, his car was egged -- that's as much danger as the douche bag's ever been in -- contracting salmonella after being compelled to lick the door handle of his limo.

Sticks aren't very effective against snipers last time I checked. Is the real reason for the ban more about information control than crowd control? And might the secret service be simply protecting the feelings of the President who is clearly oblivious of information that isn't spoon fed him?

Man can be greater than the thing he creates
See, I’m a do my thing and see how much I can scrape

Where's my day?

2005-01-18T13:09:00.000-05:00

ED: Note, I'd like to welcome my contemporary, and Civil Rights Leader Frederick Douglass as guest blogger.

I'd like to thank my homeboy, and contemporary abolitionist MVB for giving me this forum to express my displeasure with yesterday's observance of Martin Luther King jr. Day.

Certainly, like MYSELF, Dr. King was a galvanizing leader in our nation's long struggle with race and civil rights.

And I'm not suggesting Dr. King doesn't deserve a holiday, after all he was instrumental in the changes of the 1960's, including the voting rights act of 1964.

On the other hand my work helped bring about the Civil War and the abolition of slavery... you know, I'm not trying to brag or anything, but before me, black people were slaves.

Pre-Freddy D, slaves.

Post-Freddy D, no slaves.

A stark contrast worthy of a national observance in my humble eyes.

I would even settle for a national Civil Rights observance that honored all civil rights heroes at once, much in the fashion of Presidents Day (Ed note: only a few shoping days left!!)

I haven't had the chance to speak with Mr. X or W.E.B., but I know my girl Harriet Tubman is on board.

The other day she was all like, "I realize the guy was murdered, but I was on the underground railroad. Honkies shot at me like, every god damn day, I never got hit, but for real, I think I deserve some props."

And for those of you thinking to yourself, "what about national black history month?"

DON'T GET ME MUTHA EFFIN' STARTED!!!!

There's only 28 days in February and it's cold as balls -- it's just a whole other line of cracker bull shit.

Just another black man caught in the mix
trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents

You know what I was thinking?

2005-01-14T10:43:00.000-05:00

I was thinking that the Grammys didn't suck hard enough last year.

I mean don't get me wrong, they sucked.

In fact they sucked hard.

And while I'm sure that this year a bunch of washed up old popsters and adult contemporary singer songwriters will win awards and the voters who in the 20th century basically ignored most of the significant and impactful artists will continue to ignore significant and impactful artists in the 21st century; can't we take the sucking to a higher level?

Hmmm, what's that?

Queen Latifah's going to host?

AND you ate an entire wheel of cheese?

Wow, I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

Well I am sort of mad about the Queen Latifah thing.

You know how I feel about royalty.

Ladies first, there's no time to rehearse
I'm divine and my mind expands throughout the universe
A female rapper with the message to send the
Queen Latifah is a perfect specimen

It's the inbreeding that makes them stupid

2005-01-13T09:08:00.000-05:00

Prince Harry of the United Kingdom reminded the world just how stupid royals are this week by dressing up like a Nazi at a party.

Man those people are pricks.

It is one of the great regrets of my life that I was not confirmed as Andrew Jackson's Minister to Great Britain.

While that incident did make me something of a political martyr, forever shifting the balance of political favor from my nemesis John C. Calhoun to myself and eventually resulting in my assent to the Vice-Presidency and the Presidency, I never got to fully employ my diplomatic talents towards what I believe would have been a revolution in foreign policy.

Had I been Minster to Great Britain I believe I could have forged a policy that out lasted even the Monroe Doctrine. The Van Buren Doctrine would be based on a simple premise, cash for a punch to the royal balls.

You see the standard of living in America surpassed the European standard sometime in the 17th century -- we are some rich bitches and virtually always have been. So we offer a monarch or parliament of a constitutional monarchy cold hard cash to let an American punch them in balls. We could even choose the ball puncher through a lottery and ship the lucky winner off on an all expenses paid sack whacking vacation.

First off, this helps confirm how much better our democratic republic is than other forms of government -- I mean seers, we've got enough cash to waste it on ball punches. Second, we avoid broader conflict by instituting a classic abusive relationship where we simultaneously intimidate and reward our "allies."

Of course we realize this is for their own good.

Now I know what you are thinking... what about queens?

Obvs, the Van Buren Doctrine has this covered with a simple kick to the hoo ha!

At our enemies, may they die easily
Long as they perish forever's what freedom means to me

Congrats

2005-01-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

Nas and Kelis up and got married last Saturday.

According to publicist Tony Furguson, "if you were there, you were a friend or family member. They really wanted to keep it out of the press."

I guess that puts MVB in his place.

Where's the love Nas and Kelis?

Where
is
the
Love?

You may not talk about dead prez as much as Puffy or say, uh, The Dead Prez but seriously, does that mean I've just dropped off the face of the hip hop community entirely?

I mean, you don't even send over an evite?

What the hell?

But just to stay true, I think it's full-on dope that you both are taking each other’s non-existent last names.

I got nothing but love for you both.

I could teach you
but I'd have to charge

VH1 Re-Made Him Into a Potty Mouth

2005-01-04T09:24:00.000-05:00

The FCC has yet to comment on the F-Bomb dropped by Vince Neil, who is best known for his work with Corey Feldman and the nerdy chick from 90210 on the Surreal Life.

Neil was performing with Motley Crue, which by the way nobody ever asked to reunite in the first place, on the Tonight Show New Year's Eve bash, which by the way, no one in their right mind would watch, when he said something.

That something was fuck.

Media experts agree that the FCC will be in an interesting position when it comes to fining NBC and the other respective parties.

"Only assholes watch the Tonight Show, so really only a small audience of said assholes could have actually witnessed the f-word and not one asshole on the West Coast could have seen it, cause they don't get shit live out there," said Larry Hughes, professor of TV repair at ITT Tech.

"But the thing is, most of the people at the FCC are assholes and they probably think Jay Leno is funny, which is utter bullshit, but does increase the chance that they would have witnessed this non-event live and therefore would issue some hefty fines."

Pop goes the weasel
Cause the weasel goes pop

Listen Up Children

2004-12-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

Since the high holidays are upon us, I thought for one brief moment I would spare the wit and offer a bit of wisdom from the imminently quotable, me.

I only look to the gracious protection of the Divine Being whose strengthening support I humbly solicit, and whom I fervently pray to look down upon us all. May it be among the dispensations of His Providence to bless our beloved country with honors and length of days; may her ways be pleasantness, and all her paths peace.

Feel free to use that one at an office party or at a swinging New Years Eve bash, I've found it to be a real panty loosener.

With that I bid you a fond farewell for 2004 and hope to regale you with posts-a-plenty in 2005.

2 legit
2 legit to quit

Isn't he older than me?

2004-12-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

Playboy recently announced it's releasing a video game based around founder, Hugh Hefner.

According to Playboy, "players assume the role of Hugh Hefner, complete with the pajamas known as his favorite attire, and must judiciously allot their time and money to start from nothing and create the magazine, direct photo shoots, construct the iconic mansion and socialize."

Other game missions include: Picking the pits out of prunes, designing a matching set of blinged out wheel chairs for Hugh and Fred Durst, coercing girls of the Big Ten to have sex with you in front of Scott Baio and Bill Maher, perfecting a nitro glycerin and viagra cocktail and competitive napping.

Larry Flint is also said to also be working on a game about his life, mixing equal parts graphic beaver shots and pooping your own pants.

And if I was dude
I'd tell y'all to suck my dick

Join team Zissou!

2004-12-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

You too can join team Zissou!

It's totally easy just visit the fan club page at the website!

Said Kobe, "I'm named after a steak!"

2004-12-16T09:40:00.000-05:00

Reports are coming in that Kobe Bryant would like to apologize to Shaq for telling police investigators that Miami's star center often paid women up to a million dollars to keep quiet after raping them.

"I really think saying I'm sorry would make me feel good," said the Lakers All-Star. "I mean, not as good as forcing some little white girl to take it in the butt and getting away with it, but you know kind of warm and fuzzy sort of like when you get a BJ from a stripper and don't have to pay for it."

Sources close to Shaquille O'Neal have suggested that Kobe can "liq" a "diq."

This reminds me of when John Quincy Adams used the campaign slogan, "Andrew Jackson's mother is whore."

Years later, Quincy Adams asked to meet with General Jackson to apologize for the campaign getting so out of hand.

I met with him in the foyer of the White House and had the butler take his coat, hat and walking stick--the trap was set!

I then proceeded to distract him with a story about how the President had been detained with some daft ambassador from Bavaria and would be unable to meet with him.

All the while Vice President John C. Calhoun was taking a dump in Quincy Adams hat!

The old poop hat trick never fails!

If today's Democrats were as studied as we were in the niceties of real politick, we wouldn't have another ‘tarded son of an ex-President in the White Houses.

Holy diver, i'm a survivor
Feeling like DeNiro in Taxi Driver
With Jodi Foster, and Harvey Keitel
Looks like I'm walking through a living Hell

Live from the Video Game Awards

2004-12-15T09:39:00.000-05:00

Who was the big winner at last night's Video Game Awards?

That's right nobody gives a shit.

It's the kind of program you surf by and say, "Hmmm... I wonder if The Geroge Lopez Show is still on?"

And no one has ever watched that show ever.

George Lopez doesn't even exist.

He's a complete fabrication of ABC.

Has anyone actually ever seen this so called George Lopez?

NO.

Because he's made up like George Washington and George Thorogood.

If you are waiting around for any George to show up you might as well pray the tooth fairy will stop by to stop the drunken rage of the Easter Bunny and Kwanzaa Karl.

Do i look like a mind reader sir, i don't know
Am i under arrest or should i guess some mo?
"Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four"

Big Boned My Presidential Ass

2004-12-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

Recently there has been some talk in various sources about "a return" to a standard of beauty from times gone by.

Proponents of this change in the preference of body type say that it is more "natural" and more realistic -- that the so called Oven Stuffers better represent "inner beauty."

They also better represent fat chicks.

The truth is back in my time, people weren't any more or less into fat chicks then they are now. And in fact, since people actually had to do shit for themselves, there were proportionally fewer fat chicks around.

Also, people missrepresent painted portraits from the pre-photography era. I'm sure a few painters were chubby chasers and just painted fat chicks cause they dug them, but most of the rest of the dudes were just crappy painters. They'd start trying to paint a skinny dame and when they'd eff it up, they'd just use more paint, until by the time they were finished, she looked as big as a barn.

Believe me if Paris Hilton walked into my father's tavern in Kinderhook, dudes would have been all over her skinny ass.

With that tight little frame, most guys in my time would have blown off a "zaftig" babe at the bar to hit on her and been able to pass off her "google" eye as simply the result of an unfortunate mule kick.

36-24-36
Only if she's 5'3"

President's Guide to a Beat Down

2004-12-08T10:20:00.000-05:00

Over the last several weeks I have avoided speaking about the unfortunate series of events at the Palace of the Auburn Hills, but on the eve of charges being brought against the players and fans I do believe it is time to break my silence.

First off I'd like to note that the name the Palace of the Auburn Hills sounds very exotic. I would have expected it to be filled with halls of gilded gold, wafts of smoke from incense and opium, harems of dancing girls garbed in the finest silks.

A big wood floor, plastics seats and some painted whores squeezed into mini-skirts does not a stately pleasure-dome make.

I should not have expected that a suitable Xanadu or Shang-Ra-La could be constructed in the wilderness of the Michigan Territories, but one can always hope for more.

But I digress.

I found it most unfortunate that the Pacers of Indiana decided to charge into the viewing stands to accost their tormenting audience.

It's just a terribly ineffective way to seek revenge.

Once an all-star rounders team from Albany came through Kinderhook challenging the local men to a tournament to prove their superiority with ball and bat.

We of course accepted the challenge.

During the course of the game one of their bench players hurled a tankard of ale at one of my basemen.

Of course in my time, tankards were made of pewter and of a sufficient weight that my teammate's skull was split asunder.

We did not immediately take our revenge, merely asking the official to re-establish order and verbally chastise the offender.

After the game however, my friend Gary brought in the town constable and accused the team of littering and public lewdness. While the bulk of our rivals and the constable were distracted, we separated the offending tankard hurler, held him to the ground and broke his wrists with rounders bats.

We then tied him to his saddle and horse, which we shot so that the horse would run wildly for many miles before bleeding out and collapsing, hopefully on the douchebag's legs.

I can't remember who won the game that day, but when a cockface gets his comeuppance and no one gets caught, we're all winners.

The chase ain't over the battle ain't done yet
Get your ass out of town before sunset

Two headed love child of pain and evil

2004-12-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

Bill Clinton's pimping a new Chinese search engine?

That's a weird combo.

Motley Crue is getting back together?

Well honestly, you know nothing good can come from that.

Fox News is going to be "news" content provider for Clear Channel?

I can't wait for their flag waving rallies on liberal media bias, followed objective reporting on unpatriotic dissent.

Fox mogul, Rupert Murdock stated, we've managed to pass utter bullshit off as "news" in print, the internet and on TV, radio was really the last scrap of media we needed to reinforce with a constant barrage of lies and deceit... OR WAS IT???????

Creep wit me, as we take a lil' trip down memory lane
Been here longer than anyone in the game
And I ain't got to lie about my age

Tommy Thompson... WHAT A KIDDER!

2004-12-06T09:16:00.000-05:00

Outgoing Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson warned America that it is woefully unprotected against "food terror."

President Bush however, tried to downplay Thompson's comments as fear mongering that was not in keeping with the White House's approach to intimidation and terror breeding.

"It's this simple, we prefer bogymen with bombs, a stylistic choice perhaps, but that's just how Cheney likes it."

Thompson however remained un-swayed, sticking by his public comments.

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that."

The ex-secretary continued, "Or even in this country, let's say the terrorists went to Long Beach, dock 47 and while Lou the security guard was taking his "lunch break" for some gin and gin with a side of gin from 9:45 am to 10:15 am. They'd have full access to entire containers of Chilean fruit that they could go poison crazy on that shiznitz."

"It doesn't even need to be that sophisticated. Who among us hasn't put a cheeseburger between our ass cheeks at a company barbeque, pissed in the Sizzler salad bar or stuck our dick in grandma's mashed potatoes. A coordinated effort on the part of terror cells could mean our total food supply could be contaminated with 50%-400% more terrorist ass, piss and wiener germs!"

Mike D With The Vinyl With The Grooves So Rare
And The Rhymes That We're Are Doo Doo
Shit, if it's going to be that kind of a party
I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes
Been Makin' With The Freak Freak, So Unique
I Been Learning From The Elders Now It's Time To Speak

Carlos D Gave this Guy's Girlfriend Herpes

2004-12-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

I have only one question for this dude's girl.

What did you expect?

He has D in his name for goodness' sake. Plus, his part starts below his ear, which is SOOOO creepy wrong -- it might actually be CRONG ^TM.

Imagine if she slept with Peabs, she'd probably be incubating one of those things from Aliens... you know, a bald actor that's often stronger in a supporting role rather than a lead. Perhaps, Sigourney Weaver or Charles S. Dutton.

Thanks to Jazz-bot at Gawker for the link buzz.

Boy thinks of that big fat back
Big black fat love, big black fat
Girl calls boy to stand him up on Saturday

And they wonder why we revolted

2004-12-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

Heir to the monarchy of Great Britian, Prince Charles gave a royal comendation to a British Ceral company yesterday.

The cereal in question, Weetabix, is a wheat biscuit that turns soggy when milk is added.

It's best-selling cereal in Britain.

The second best selling cereal?

Admiral Cocksinear's Toasted Gristle and Shat Rounds.

How bad does your country's food have to suck for soggy wheat biscuits to win royal awards?

I remember a visit to London during the regin of William IV, I was meeting with some inbred Hanoverian twat of some aristocratic persuasion and he asked me over tea if, "I might like some Marmite?"

I simply returned the question with, "Would you like a kick to your tiny Marquis de Nutsack?"

It was at that point that his head exploded, in part because I willfully ignored the difference between French and English in his presence and two because he was a pea brained jack off.

Geezerz looking ordinary and a few looking leery
Chips fly round the sound of the latest chart entry

Thanks for the Update

2004-11-30T09:08:00.000-05:00

Former NBC newswoman and current California first lady Maria Shriver took time out from her duties at Snake Mountain to inform the public that her husband, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger would never be president because the whole constitution thing is so complicated.

Asked to comment, her husband who is incapable of going 30 seconds without uttering inane film dialog replied, "Of course I couldn't be the President of the United States... I'm a COP YOU IDIOT!"

The Governor then continued that, "a pump was better than cumming." The interview then ended when the Governor decided indiscriminately fondle breasts.

Forget Tony Danza, I'm the boss
When it comes to money, I'm like Dick Butkas
Now who's the first pick? me, word is born and
Not a Christean Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning

Go with fine Amish Oak

2004-11-23T15:04:00.000-05:00

Once during my tenure as Minister to Great Britain, President Jackson, cheap backwoods bastard that he was, decided to skimp on my travel expense account. Thus I found myself slowly sinking in the middle of the Atlantic on a decommissioned War of 1812 man-of-war, overburdened with waterlogged bureaucrats and Kentucky mash-liquor.

The eventual exodus of vermin straight from the ship’s hold out into the ocean was about a stern a political metaphor as I ever witnessed. Cracking open a case of 150 proof “rum” (that was also used to swab the poop deck) and slumping down on the deck, what I figured out is that even a filthy rat has enough basic survival sense to take their chances in open water, rather wait it out on a doomed ship.

My stocking again felt wet and I could practically taste the White Lightening watching Bush’s cabinet stumble over each other, clawing to get their way out of the White House last week. Sigh, maybe it’s just as well, a new term deserves some remodeling. Bush seems happy to promote in-house, letting Comrade Condie apply her Cold War wisdom to the boiling War on Terror™ and run the Defense Department, and Margaret Spellings, the cross-eyed tart who wrote No Child Left Behind, take over the Department of Education.

We didn’t allow women folk in the West Wing during my administration. My security detail assured me their menstruational secretions attracted Kodiak bears, which still roamed freely through Washington’s streets in those days.

I understand they have since been domesticated and are deployed at night on The Mall to pick up tourist’s trash and hunt for Persian saboteurs. The bears, not the women folk, duhvs.

Forgive the digression. I meant for this post to be purely instructive for Bonnie Prince W. as he further rebuilds his Cabinet in the coming weeks. I wanted to make a few suggestions, helping Bush to avoid depleting the nation’s boardrooms, car dealerships and country clubs of their precious weasel populations.

Spineless yes-men and bat-shit crazy ideologues are readily available,
Mr. President, but if you want history to remember the next four years you really need to go all out and get some evil mothers to drive America into the ground. You blew your load the first time around and now you have to work twice as hard to top Herr Ashcroft and Wolfowitz the Butcher.

Trump doesn’t come cheap and Beelzebub only works on freelance consultant basis these days, still why not try…

Secretary of Commerce: Joe Simpson, music mogul
If this former youth minister can cram not one, but two untalented legally retarded daughters down our throats, imagine what he could do for do for consumer confidence. Anybody willing to overexpose his own brood to death and regulated their romantic lives based on cross-marketing potential is the kind of ruthless captain of industry we need steering the good ship Capitalism.

Advisor to the National Council on the Arts: Ron Artest
Now that he’s got lots of time on his hands, who better to beat an appreciation of the arts in to the collective heads of America than “Crazy Ron”? If he’s got time in between sessions for his rap album that is.

Secretary of Interior: Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Obvs this former pro wrester loves wildlife. Especially when feeding them to fucking gigantic snakes in his basement meth lab. If the Iron Sheik and his countrymen step out of line then effing blambo! Secretary "the Snake" puts them in their place.

Secretary of Transportation: Grumpy Old Man on the Corner who’s name we don’t know
"When I was your age we didn’t have no fancy AUTO-MOBILES. So we walked ‘till our feet got bloody and fell off. Then we’d stump hop until we could lasso a passing freight train or heard of buffalo and then drag on along behind… AND THAT WAS JUST TO PICK UP THE MORNING PAPER!"

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Vigo the Carpathian
Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised and Vigo the Unholy. On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!

That's why our baby mothers love us but they hate each other
They probably wanna take each other out and date each other

News you can't use

2004-11-19T09:50:00.000-05:00

What? NO! WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The idea of someone buying this DVD set just creeps me out. Some pervy guy putting Blanche on super slo-mo... [BARF]

Media mogul Mel Karmazin has been named CEO of Sirius Satellite Radio.

Negotiations to hire Karmazin's Hair as CFO of Sirius are still on going. The top-mop-in-media gained an extra measure of fame last year through it's pioneering joint program with the World Wildlife Fund's and the Hairclub for Men, where it's not only the President, but also a member.

Greenspan's appetite for dollars to dwindle.

Said the FED Chairmen, "Chaney really turned me on to the flesh of infants, and since I got on that kick, I just lost my taste for dollars."

Model and TV personality Tyra Banks was in attendance at this week's violent outburst at the Vibe Awards.

"I thought about trying to break up the knife fight, but I was sort of scared about the knife hitting my boob. If that happened, the air rushing out would fly me around the room like Yosemite Sam in a Bugs Bunny cartoon."

My hip-hop drops on your head like ra-a-ain
And when it rains it pours, cause my rhymes hardcore
That's why I give you more of the raw
talent that I got will riz-ock the spot
MC's I'll be bur-r-rnin, bur-r-rnin hot

So what? I won the Mr. Kinderhook hot buns contest from 1815-1827

2004-11-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

People magazine named Jude Law the sexiest man alive in its latest issue.

Big freakin' deal. I mean how many men are even alive? Maybe 3 billion?

What kind of wiener competition is that?

The sexiest dead man award -- now that's a competition baby.

Believe it or not the sexiest dead guy for 2004 was first time winner, Attila the Hun.

Who knew he was even mildly attractive?

Apparently, underneath that whole leathery-barbarian-warlord exterior beat the heart of a real Hungarian hunk.

Best known for his campaign of terror and conquest in western Europe in the 450's, Attila also really likes goat milk baths ("good for the complexion," claims the Hun) and long walks on the beach.

Attila's victory is considered somewhat of a coup, considering the recent hype around Alexander the Great and perennial favorite, John F. Kennedy.

"I usually poll so well among dead people," said Kennedy, "I really don't know what happened."

The awards were of course not without controversy. For the 1,971 year in a row Jesus was denied eligibility in the contest.

"It's either because of the whole resurrection thing or because the eligibility committee hates Jews," said the messianic ex-carpenter.

"But then I thought, what would I do? So I forgave them, natch. That's how I roll."

Son of God yes, but also one HELL of a good sport.

Even now sexiest dead guy prognosticators are already speculating on who will win in 2005 and they have their eye on an early favorite -- Confucius.

"He's been getting really buff at the gym lately and believe it or not, he's shaved off the beard!" Said long time friend and Han Dynasty Court Historian, Sima Qian. "It's totally crazy, imagine one of the ZZ Top guys took off his beard and a young Paul Newman was under there -- that's the kind of change we're talking about.

Down at the chop-chop, 600th and Rock
Crazy as a fox trying to rob Fort Knox

Okay now I'm worried

2004-11-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

Only one person was stabbed at the Vibe awards!

David Lee Roth is getting a real job!

And now this!

Why on earth would we want a person who's area of foreign relations expertise is the Soviets to be our nation's chief diplomat?

THERE ARE NO SOVIETS!

Black is white, up is down, left is right.

I mean next I suppose you're going to tell me that ODB only had 3 kids...

Oh crap.

He means dirty, down to the floor
See my name is the Ol'DB and I'll beat your ass

Chest Pains Ain't Nuthing to Fuck With

2004-11-14T01:36:00.000-05:00

Nothing less than a completely original American talent and a national treasure.

R.I.P. O.D.B..

So gimme my streaks and gimme my honey
Radio paly this all day, everyday
Recognize I'm a fool and you luuuuuuv me

Best Rap Albums Ever?

2004-11-12T08:40:00.000-05:00

Entertainment Weekly has created a list of the 25 greatest rap albums of all time to coincide with the 25th anniversary of the first rap single to hit the R&B chart, Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang.

Does anyone else feel like this is a bit like Ebony doing the top 10 greatest hair metal bands or the Source ranking the works of Merchant and Ivory?

I certainly understand rap's ability to transcend the color line in terms of appeal and cultural relevance; not to mention it's ability to transcend across generations and in my own case the very mortal coil of existence. But seriously how credible is EW in the rap world?

Didn't they discover rap sometime after Lil Kim's third face?

Let me further illustrate my point with a historical illusion.

Congressman Davey Crockett (yes, that Davey Crockett, born on a mountain top, ass shot up at the Alamo) once accused me of dressing like a "gay".

I could have pointed out that same sex intercourse, not clothes makes the homosexual. That MVB and the ladies were on very good terms, that taking a bath and wearing a pirate shirt (hey it was the 19th century, pirates were big) and a tailored suit were befitting a gentleman of my stature. I could have also pulled out my revolvers and popped a cap in his hillbilly ass.

But I didn't get to be President by behaving in such a manner.

I simply asked everyone a simple question.

Good people, are you going to take fashion advice from a guy wearing a fur hat in Washington... in July?

It's sticky as a mutha out here, must be 90 degrees and 95% humidity and the pioneer statesmen has a raccoon tattooed to the top of his head.

And seriously, did you really need to leave the tail on the hat? We all know it's fur, isn't the tail just taking the hunter/gatherer thing a bit too far. And don't get me started on grown men who call themselves, Davey.

Your hands in the air, your mouth, shut!
Cuz I'm on the mic and Eric B is on the cut

Gossip Round Up

2004-11-11T09:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a bit heavy around here with elections and politics and uhhh stuff. So we thought we'd hit up the old gossip pages for some more light hearted fare.

Liza Minnelli's former body guard M'Hammed Soumayah's claims he was forced to have sex with his boss and that she repeatedly beat him.

Listen.

M'Hammed are you even gay?

That's what I thought. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I rest my case, mm'kay.

M'Hammed, despite having an apostrophe in his name is no Joel Grey or Steve-o Guest -- so there is no way Liza Minnelli would have raped him…

Excuse me, I just had one of those little pukes in my mouth.

In other news, Madonna has written a children’s book pointing out that "wealth is overrated."

WWoMVB conducted a nationally representative survey of Americans in line at 7-11 for Cooler Ranch Doritos and Mega Millions tickets, 94% said Madge was, "a stupid whore" and an additional 87% said, "she should shut the eff up."

Irish author, Roddy Doyle has written a new book that "tackles jazz in America"... we'll just leave that for Peabs.

Picked up the telephone and dialed the seven digits.
Yo this is Marquis baby, are you down with it?

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out

2004-11-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

Attorney General and mondo-prick, John Ashcroft has "decided" to leave the justice department, saying it needed, "fresh inspiration."

Ashcroft said he first truly considered leaving the Bush administration when after last week's election, Dick Chaney kicked him in the nuts and said, "get the fuck out."

Beltway speculation suggests that former Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson is the front runner to take over the nation's highest law enforcement position.

However, this writer thinks pundits and everyday Americans would be wise not to count Beelzebub out of the running.

Born in the inky-darkness of pre-historical hate and evil, Beelzebub, also know as “the lord of the flies” and Achor to the Cyreneans earned a law degree from Pepperdine and also holds an undergraduate degree in interdisciplinary studies from The Ohio State University. Currently licensed to practice law in Delaware, Beelzebub splits his time between this world and the next and is considered one of the leading experts on the contractual transfer of souls.

Reached for comment at his bi-monthly luncheon for war mongers and other miscellaneous purveyors of hate and suffering held at the Chi-Chi's in Dupont Circle Beelzebub noted, “I think being Attorney General would be a hell of an opportunity – I mean it’s not like I don’t already know what’s going on there, but that corner office is hela-nice and the benefits are tits.”

God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down

You act like you've never seen a boob before

2004-11-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a little concerned that my fellow country men and women are a little too easily titillated.

Take for example Ms. Tara Reid's haggard and gnarled breast, which made an unannounced appearance at P Diddy's party last week -- the scared nipple got almost as much play last week as "moral values."

I'm not trying to say we should look away or ignore bared breasts, far from it, but I'm not sure it's really news worthy.

Dolly Madison once gave a high tea for the state department wearing only a smile (she got a bit forgetful at time). Never even made the papers, not because people didn't care, it just wasn't that big of deal.

In 1832, President Jackson gave his entire State of the Union address to both houses of congress with his sack hanging out of his pants. Now granda, he was behind a podium, but he kept turning around to the Speaker of the House and myself and giving us thumbs up and balls out during the speech.

This is probably the first time I've ever mentioned the event.

So, in closing and summation, everyone loves boobs, nutsack, not so much, and in either case, it's not such a big deal.

17 years later I'm as Rude as Jude
Scheming on the first chick with the hugest boobs

CNN Toying with the Idea Running All Programing in Green-vision

2004-11-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

On the eve of his second term, there has been much talk about how President Bush might modify his approach to governance, considering he spent a large portion of his first term raising money and running for his second term (when he wasn't taking naps -- natch).

The right wing pundits and advisors are talking about spending all the "political capital" George Bush has amassed on an anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment (a completely foolish waste of effort, tax dollars and time considering the vast majority of state are moving to keep that practice illegal and the "defense of marriage act" is still the law of the land and has never been challenged in court) and privatizing social security (with no way to pay for the transition of course).

Not quite sure what planet these guys are on, they certainly are allowed to gloat over a victory and I do understand 51% is a majority, but frankly 1% of political capital doesn't buy what it use to.

The rest of the world is hoping that Bush will re-engage the Mid East Peace Process after the demise of Mr. Arafat and perhaps in earnest seek out a more multi-lateral foreign policy in other global theaters.

Why would anyone believe this president might modify his behavior in his second term? Furthermore, why would anyone suspect his second term will be more successful than his first?

Here's our recent record of multi-term Presidents.

Clinton, career debilitating blow job ironically neuters his presidency, Regan, Iran Contra scandal that in many ways undermined the increased global stability he helped bring by easing tensions with the Soviets, Nixon, everyone remembers Watergate, but he also continued to pursue a Viet Nam policy of "Vietnamization" that was an utter disaster, Johnson, while not technically a two term President, he did serve more than 4 years and treated his full term much like a second term, escalating the Viet Nam war and then bailing himself out and leaving his country with the disastrous results.

Even now, what’s the first thing Bush is doing as a victor? Trying to finish the work of his first term blunders in Iraq.

Today our Marines go to "clean" out Falluja, something the President couldn't "afford" to do during the election cycle and something he failed to plan for before invading the country.

My advice for the President would be to stockpile his "political capital" until the Iraq situation is better in hand -- far lesser situations have brought down far greater men in their second terms.

My expectation is that our TV news will be dominated by night-vision-green for sometime -- that alone makes any success by this president very difficult.

No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare to trick us to thinking that we ain’t loyal

What's a guy got to do to get a response around here?

2004-11-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

If you've ever had a problem with a merchant of any sort, you may have noticed that a well written letter of dissatisfaction will often quell the source of your discontent.

Being no longer able to put quill to paper so to speak I was very pleased to find Planetfeedback.com. While I don't usually do plugs, this website makes it very easy to register one's satisfaction or dissatisfaction, even if said person is entombed in a electrophonic purgatory of unexplained origin.

The following is an example of a complaint I recently registered with the Chili's organization. I do have access to the broadcasts of moving pictures here and their requests for patronage are virtually incessant in that medium.

I only have resorted to posting my correspondence here, because I have inexplicably yet to receive a response.

October 18, 2004

TO:
Mary Jo Robbins, Customer Service
Chili's
6820 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX 75240

FROM:
Martin Van Buren
1013 Old Post Road
Kinderhook, NY 12106
(518) 758-9689
vanburenrcks@yahoo.com

RE: PLANETFEEDBACK REFERENCE NUMBER 2209378

Dear Mary Jo Robbins,

I'm writing to bring your attention to a problem I had with the experience at your restaurant. I'm sure you value your customers and want to keep them, so I hope you will take this complaint seriously and come up with a quick resolution.

What is the deal with your advertisements? After all these many long years is their a soul left on earth that does not know you offer baby back ribs for purchased consumption? I did not reform the federal banking system and save the Union from the panic of 1837 just so you could insistently blather on about baby's ribs.

My overall experiences with your company have been very unpleasant. I will never eat at your restaurant again. I will avoid recommending you to others.

Here's how I'm hoping you will fix the problem: Put your CEO on the talking picture tube and let him swear an oath that while air may permeate his lungs, another advertisement for baby back ribs will never grace the airwaves, printed page or electrophonic computer screens. Likewise the mistake will never be repeated with fajitas, macho nachos or anything that can be dipped in a spicy blue cheese sauce.

I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I hope you can help me with my problem. The sooner, the better.

Sincerely,
Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States of America
vanburenrcks@yahoo.com

CC:
John Sweeney
Maurice Hinchey
Charles Schumer
Hillary Clinton

I'll make ya hot and spicy like some huevos rancheros
Then hit the Knicks game with my man Don Terros

4 Out 5 Doctors Agree

2004-11-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

U.S. researchers said on Thursday they had found sperm nursery cells in mice, grown them in lab dishes and used them to father baby mice.

Reached for comment, head researcher, Hiroshi Kubota noted that this could be a break through in genetic research and could offer new treatments for previously terminal diseases, much like stem cells. "Plus, Sperm Nursery is like a totally boss name for a metal band," said Kubota.

Noted blogger and recent Presidential candidate, Peabs agreed that Sperm Nursery was indeed a good band name.

"That's fabulous! It's up there with Cock Hoagie or The Mulato Pulatis."

Ms. Modernage and Ultragrrrl could not be reached for comment, but we can assume they've already seen Sperm Nursery multiple times and really tend to prefer their early stuff, before that NME staffer almost wrote a Pitchfork article about them.

My speech is my recital.

How to tell a Celebrity their candidate lost

2004-11-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

With this afternoon’s durst-of-all-time concession by Kerry maybe we’ve all been feeling a little sorry for ourselves. I know my friend Gary has retreated to his model ships and whoring to easy the pain, while I can only hopelessly scan Slate every three minutes absurdly looking for an explanation outta William Saletan and old Doonsebury’s. But perhaps as many disappointed, "rational folks" half-heartedly check Expedia for transport to Vancouver, maybe we’re forgetting who really was blindsided by this election – who really got hurt.

We’re getting word now that P. Diddy has locked himself in a dressing room of the Versace store on 5th Ave and Ashton Kutcher walked off the set of his up-coming Mark Spitz biopic. Babs Streisand had to be sedated after husband James Brolin foolishly came between her and an Entenmann's bunt cake.

For god’s sake kiddos, somebody get to John Mellencamp before he turns on the news. And try to keep these helpful reminders in mind before you break the awful news to Celebs: They’re fragile.

-Don’t wait. Although most celebrities could go weeks before hearing about the non-fame related events, eventually a careless manservant might let it slip or they’ll slowly stop seeing the Kerry daughters in US Weekly. Tell them soon so the healing can start.

-Find a comforting location or activity to distract the celebrity. Buying them a sundae at The Viper Room or help them polish their jewelry.

-Bring satellite maps to help explain the existence of the South.

-Remind them that John Kerry is only metaphorically dead and that they can visit the Senator when ever they want – if only in their hearts.

-Vicodin. Trust me.

-Oh and if it’s John Bon Jovi, punch his balls in. Seriously, right up into his throat.

-It would really help out if you went and saw “Surviving Christmas” this weekend too. Ben’s been sulking enough as it is. Desperate times, desperate measures… yada yada... aww fuck me.. who am I kidding... this is BUllSHit.

Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news

Right now, I'm Pretty Glad to be Dead

2004-11-03T08:42:00.000-05:00

So perhaps having faith in the American people was a bit... overly optimistic.

John Kerry may perhaps still win the Presidency through some legal wrangling, but as Joseph Stalin said, "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything."

And everybody knows what a douche he was.

It seems the course of this country is set for many years to come with a staunchly partisan Republican majority in congress and very likely several supreme court justice seats changing hands firming up a staunchly conservative court.

While the sane among us will likely sob and lament the ignorance of our fellow country men, if we ever expect to do anything about it we must face the real underpinnings of the election.

Today as yesterday and four years ago, half the country is seething at the prospect of George Bush representing this country -- if history is any guide, he has little capacity or desire to do anything about this and in four more years about 50% of the country will feel exactly like it does today.

Instead of rallying the "base" what can people who believe strongly about the values of civil rights, globally respectable diplomacy, and social welfare do to combat a now likely firmly ensconced political majority.

Over the next several days, I'll be outlining a few ideas about what those of us at the grassroots level and below (SIX FEET BELOW) can do in the long, painful uphill struggle we'll be engaging in for the rest of your natural lives.

SOUNDS FUN DOESN'T IT!!!

I was lyin', so was she.
She said her name was donna,
But her shirt said marie.
Once you get to know me,
You'll never forget me.
I said why, then she bit me.

Fear not, the people may be deluded for a moment, but cannot be corrupted.

2004-11-02T08:49:00.000-05:00

That's what President Jackson wrote me in 1838 during the absolute dregs of my tragedy filled presidency.

It's remarkable only in that in the entire time I served under the illustrious General Jackson, first as envoy to England, then as Secretary of State and finally as Vice-President the most eloquent thing I had ever heard him say was, "John Quincy Adams smells like dead-donkey-balls."

Which of course brings me to my point, Quincy Adams was the last half-retarded son of an ex-president to occupy the White House and he did in fact smell like the testicles of some species of burro in the various stages of decay.

Yet the flawed electoral college saw fit to install him as President in 1825. The American people of course righted that wrong in 1829, tossing out Adams by his Daddy's coat tails.

I implore the American people to similarly throw Mr. Bush out on his sorry, coked up ass.

By the way, I'd like to give a special shout out to all my fellow patriots from the five-boroughs who reached this site through our good friends at Gawker. I was quite proud to serve as a Senator, Governor and the first President from the great state of New York and I know my state will do me proud in helping elect John Kerry the next President of the United States today.

And to my boy Quique who sells bootleg DVDs off Canal street on the lower east side, keep the faith little brother, one day you gonna get yours!

Holla at ya' QUIQUE!

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

Utter Bullshit

2004-11-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

I must say this is pretty low even for a fish wrap like the New York Post.

Rupert Murdoch's worse than Fox News band of journalists have been reporting an alternate translation of the Bin Laden video from last week.

This translation suggests that Bin Laden will spare the Kerry states from terrorism and punish the Bush states.

Obviously, someone at the Post thinks reverse psychology is really clever.

I can only assume this idea that Bin Ladin is pro Kerry and therefore we should vote for Bush will be disseminated on talk radio, and Fox News for the rest of the day to charge up the loyal legion of one toothed Bushies who, "can't stand them no A-Rabs."

Don't believe the hype, VOTE KERRY, and drag every sane person you can to the polls along with you.

I know I'm looking forward to voting for the first time since the Kennedy v. Nixon election.

Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news
Don't believe the hype...

Courtney Love's Weekly Courtroom Wrap Up

2004-10-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

Courtney Hole (as Uncle Grambo likes to call her) has been order to stand trial in Los Angles.

Through her agent Ms. Hole made only one request of the court, "Could I like sit, instead of standing trial? Like, standing is so hard when your on as much oxy as I am right now... maybe could I lay on the floor?"

Reached for comment Courtney's lawyer, Howard Weitzman said simply, "We hope this will be resolved in a way to allow her to move on with her next court case, subsequent release from rehab, embarrassing public display of nudity, violence and substance abuse -- you know just life as usual."

It should be noted Mr. Weitzman was speaking to reporters as he dragged the unconscious former Mrs. Cobain to his E-Class Benz through the parking lot by her feet, exposing only one of her fake boobs in the process.

The E with the criminal behavior
Yeah, I'm a gansta, but still I got flavor
Without a gun and a badge, what do ya got?

This just in from no shit labs

2004-10-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

ALERT, ALERT!

Americans are getting both fatter and taller, but they are growing out faster than they are growing up.

In 1960 the average man was 166.3 lbs and was 5 ft 8 in. Today the average man has ballooned to 191 lbs, but is only 5 ft 9 in.

Should this trend continue in 2276 the average man will weight over 2500 lbs and be approximately 9 ft 6 in.

Which should make the intelligent monkeys and/or robots that enslave the human race as pack animals very happy.

That is unless we can convince the robots to fight the monkeys, leaving us free to down a secret stash of Trimspa and mini-thins and regain control of the world in speed charged bought of svelte re-conquering during the ensuing chaos.

On a completely unrelated note, MVB is currently seeking representation for his unmade Hollywood-summer-blockbuster-script. It's like Planet of the Apes meets the Matrix meets the Biggest Looser. I see lots of big name stars in Shallow Hal fat suits, which will stroke their egos by purporting to show their range (just like playing retarded, whores or retarded whores ensures actors an Oscar nomination.)

I mean, you've basically read the treatment, it's a can't loose proposition.

I wanna rock right now

Lipsynching is no big deal

2004-10-26T08:50:00.000-04:00

Everyone is all bent out of shape because some young stage harlot pretended to sing a song but was only mouthing the words to an audiophonic recording. Her father has even gone so far to blame acid reflux syndrome in what can only be a desperate plea to score a prilosec endorsement.

Who gives a crap? It's just show biz and thems are the breaks in show biz.

Sometimes Hamlet drops the skull he's contemplating or Desdemona forgets a line, accidentally lights the stage on fire by kicking over a stage lamp and improvs a little soft shoe to distract the audience.

Back when I was directing the Lincoln Douglas debates of 1858 it was all I could do to keep those two yahoos on script.

You didn't know the Lincoln Douglas debates were completely staged? Come now don't be so naive, politics is the height of theater and there is no greater stage than the U-S-A.

Anyway, I remember at one debate in Galesburg, IL. Douglas starts into his Dred Scott closing that I wrote for him, this shit is money, I mean really good, when Lincoln just rips a fart out of his gigantism enlarged colon that could wake the dead. Douglas starts gagging and completely loses his place, from behind the curtain I had to finish the end of the debate in my best Douglas impersonation while Steve-o just mouthed the words I was saying.

That’s me, Cyrano Van Buren baby, saving the illusion of democracy for you and yours since the 19th Century.

TO THE WINDOW
TO THE WALL

First the Viet Cong, now geese, will no one protect us from the dealy aim of John Kerry?

2004-10-21T13:43:00.000-04:00

John Kerry went hunting for water foul in Ohio today to court that state's powerful "only good bird is a dead bird" constituency.

I suspect now we'll have to endure endless accusations from Geese Hunters for Truth.

"I noticed that Kerry claimed to kill a goose. AND IT WAS A CANADIAN GOOSE. Why aren't American Geese good enough for John Kerry?
-- Al Smith, Goose Hunter rt.

I was in the next field, and I say it looked more like a large duck than a goose. And it sure ain't duck season!
-- Rhonda Dykeson-Cheney, Ladies who love ladies who love dead birds

John Kerry was there and had a shotgun, but the dog was actually a small boy in disguise who did all the bird killing! AND THE BOY WAS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN! FROM IRAN!
-- "Crazy" Larry Busherton, Past President Duck's Unlimited, Current President, A-Rabs Limited

The only thing John Kerry's ever shot off was his mouth. Oh, and the hands of Vietnamese children, but that doesn't really count.
-- Identity withheld, but seriously, it's not like it's Karl Rove or anything, definitely not Karl Rove.

What a colossal pussy! I mean seriously this guy pretends to shoot birds but he is such a pussy. I mean would Jesus have put up with a pussy like this? I don't think so, not my blonde haired, blue eyed Jesus.
-- Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, avid watcher on hunting shows on OLN

Everyone knows that geese aren't real. They're just myths like the tooth fairy and the war on terr... oh shit I just fucked up didn't I? Uh, John Kerry's wife is a bitch, don't forget that. Don't want no first bitch in White House she's one huge bitch!!!
-- C. Riceolessa, Birds are Bullshit, P.A.C.

Stay hittin with the shit that blow a hole in ya trunk
Afraid of us, you know this ain't no game to us
You strange to us that's when we gettin dangerous, come on

Genius

2004-10-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

Leave it to Bush Flash Cartoon

Thanks to The Toilet Online for creating this fabu cartoon and thanks to JP McKrengles for pointing it out.

Shawty crunk on the floor wide open
Speak so much they call her Billy ocean

It's probably just a newly legalized asault weapon

2004-10-14T13:58:00.000-04:00

The good folks at Salon have been fostering a conspiracy theory that there is a mysterous bulge underneath George Bush's jacket during the debates.

Is he just happy to see Bob Schiffer? Does he have hidden prompter? Could he be being fed lines by his staff and still sound so dumb?

If you got real hair,
real finger nails,
if you don't need nobody to tell how to do your business
make some noise!

I vulcanized yer mom

2004-10-13T09:14:00.000-04:00

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but Charles Goodyear being granted the patent for vulcanized rubber in 1844 was a big effing deal.

For the next couple of years, rubber anything and everything were the hot items -- boots, tires, gloves, cockrings, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

My friend Gary always the con-artist jumped in with both feet to rubber business. He started in douchebags of course, which I think has something to do with that term becoming a phrase of insult. Most douchebag salesmen were in fact douchebags.

The margins on douchebags quickly dried up however and Gary decided to test the waters of other business ventures. Gary surmised that people weren't really that interested in rubber but were actually enthused about vulcanization, the process by which sulfur is removed from natural rubber making it stretchy and pliable.

He also deduced that people really had no idea what vulcanization was, so he could claim to have vulcanized anything.

He started a company that sold vulcanized maple syrup called Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup.

Customers claimed that it tasted purer and sweeter, despite the fact that it was merely molasses, lamp oil and a bit of potting soil for character.

Needless to say, Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup was an uproarious success and eventually was able to diversify into many different areas, today you would probably know the company better as General Motors. AND THAT'S, therestofthestory!

Got my white Tux on, chauffeur's outside
A Caddy stretch limo's gonna be our ride

Shut up whore

2004-10-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

I realize this isn't the PC thing to do these days but if Cathy were real I do believe I'd hit her in the face with a shovel. As the eleoquent American Statesman Daniel Webster used to say, "Nothing shuts a bitch up like a quick smack in the head with a shovel."

And Cathy is mos def a beeotch.

Bitches ain't nothing but hos and tricks

Justify your existence

2004-10-11T09:32:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to feel more important than meter maids the British Police force recently got the right to carry stun guns.

We give out guns with Frosted Flakes and the Brits won't even give them to their cops. And these ponces wonder why we kicked their ass in two consecutive wars.

Following the change every bobby will now be required to change their signature line, "stop or I'll say stop again," to, "stop or I'll run up close enough to tazer you, thus incapacitating you long enough for me to hand cuff you, unless of course you are on PCP and thus ignore the electric shock and bite a hole through my face."

You got the blunt (I got the Mac)
You got the clip (I got the gat)

Smell? The best you could find was smell?

2004-10-04T09:43:00.000-04:00

The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded today for two American researchers who performed pioneering research on, "odorant receptors and the organization of the olfactory system."

Yup, that's right they know a shit load about the sense of smell.

Previous winners have included the guy that cured diphtheria (death by green apple splatters) and the dude that discovered DNA--these guys figured out how proteins transfer a SBD message from your nose to your brain...

The only thing I can figure out is that everybody else in medicine took the last year off.

Reached for comment at home, the visually impaired, former child rock prodigy Stevie Wonder said,

I AM BLIND. I CAN'T SEE A GOD DAMN THING, AND THESE TWO SMART MUTHA FUCKAS ARE RESEARCHING THE SENSE OF SMELL? DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL SCHOOLS FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN'T SMELL GOOD? YOU EVER HEARD OF THE HELEN KELLER SCHOOL FOR MUTHA FUCKAS THAT CAN'T SMELL REAL GOOD? I AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF NO SHIT LIKE THAT. WHAT ABOUT CURING BLINDNESS ASSHOLES? SHIT, I'D EVEN BE PRETTY HAPPY IF THEY HELPED THE DEAF, AT LEAST THOSE MUTHAFUCKAS COULD BUY MY GOD DAMN ALBUM. SMELL. GOD DAMN WORST SENSE EVER. MUTHA FUCKAS CAN SMELL MY GOD DAMN FINGER, THAT'S WHAT THEY CAN SMELL.

Word up Stevie, word up.

I know you'd like to think yo' shit don't stank
But lean a lil bit closer see
Roses really smell like poo poo poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo poo poo

2004-10-01T09:48:00.000-04:00

Get cool t-shirts and buttons with this picture by clicking on this link!
President Van Buren

Somebody's been listening to MVB

2004-10-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Recently, I suggested to Candidate Kerry that he take the President's claims of decicive leadership head on and remind people that decisive is a negative trait when you have a track record of making bad decisions.

Looks like someone's been reading MVB!

Last night in the first debate of the season Seantor Kerry said, "it's one thing to be certain, but you can be certain and be wrong."

I would have added, "it's also one thing to be the mildly retarded son of an ex-President, but when you imply that Iraq attacked America in a presidental debate either because it's past your bed time or because you are too dumb to know that didn't happen, you might as well just hang up the gloves."

Muthafuck him and John Wayne.

Kerry who? Kerry Collins? The chick with blood on her?

2004-09-29T15:42:00.000-04:00

Be ashamed, work up your best expression of mock indignation and then pretend you knew all the answers to these questions.

In a completely expected display of "couldn't-give-a-shit-a-tude," the National Annenberg Election Survey produced results that indicated most Americans don't know where the presidential candidates stand on the major issues.

For example a third of those surveyed didn't know that Bush wanted to make it harder to get an abortion (and thus easier to get a patented Damore Back Alley Abortion ©) and about half didn't know Kerry supported taxing the overseas profits of American companies that outsource.

Interestingly enough, .001% of Americans were aware that Candidate Peabs supported, "doing it in the butt."

Think for a minute cuz the hype just died down
That I won't go up in the Oval Office right now
And flip whatever ain't tied down upside down
I'm all for America, fuck the government

Talentless bungholes enjoy wasting money

2004-09-28T13:16:00.000-04:00

Timothy Murphy who didn't catch roided baseball phenomenon Barry Bonds' 700th career homerun, but did attempt to secure ownership of it with his fat ass and part of his right leg is suing the equally talentless Steve Williams who is now in possession of the mildly historic baseball.

Williams similarly didn't catch the ball, but did manage to pick it up off the ground, despite the similar attempts of other fans, including Murphy and his huge ass.

Reached for comment on the situation in hell, Tiger's hall of famer Ty Cobb noted, "I hate Negroes. They ain't got no smarts and shouldn't be playing my god damn baseba... AHHHHHHHHHH THE EXCRUIATING PAIN OF HELL FIRE, AHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS, IT BURNS."

Apparently, Murphy, who has been informed that, "possession is 9/10ths of the law," enjoys wasting his money on pointless litigation. He has previously attempted to sue his ex-girlfriend for eating the last onion ring, his neighbor for parking in the "good" street spot and his mother for, "not loving him as much as my brother Gary."

Sounds like a grade-A douche to MVB.

While your rap crew's on steroids lookin like Full Force

Your girl she's buffed, puffed, in daytime don't play rough

Want fair elections? Try Mozambique.

2004-09-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

My fellow ex-President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter wrote an op/ed piece today for the Washington Post. In it the illustrious President Carter illuminates problems plaguing Florida other than hurricanes, Spanish Privateers (that's p.c. for Pirates yo), raiding bands of Seminole Indians and the Bowden family.

Now I should be honest and say that I've never been a big fan of Florida, during my administration we had to fight a war there with the before mentioned Seminoles which became so frustrating that I entertained the idea of getting bids on a giant saw to cut a huge canal at the Georgia border and send that pitiful excuse for a state floating off towards Cuba. However, I backed off from the idea since I had already come up with the idea for the Erie Canal and didn't want to be pigeon holed as a big ditch politician.

But I digress.

President Carter spends much of his time making sure nations around the world hold fair democratic elections. He has successfully helped convert dictatorial nations through out Central America, Africa and Asia through the principals of democratic voting, in short he's the leading world authority on the process of holding elections.

Yet, he doesn't feel the institutions of power in Florida are current allied with the principals of democracy.

It's a travishamockery of the highest order. We have an administration that is waging a war with American blood under the pretense of imposing democratic institutions on a people that may or may not be ready to adopt such institutions, yet they purposefully undermined the same institutions at home with their local party machine.

Seriously, that's so effed up.

Got to give us what we want

Gotta give us what we need

Our freedom of speech is freedom or death

We got to fight the powers that be

NOTICE ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

2004-09-24T10:57:00.000-04:00

Faded popstar, Sinead O'Connor recently took out a full page ad pleading for privacy, obviously to draw loads of attention to her non-existent career and completely tired socio-political-nutball persona.

When asked for comment, half the world was quoted as saying, "Sinead 'Baldo' O'Connor, I haven't thought about her in years. Probably not since she ripped up that picture of the Pope in like 1992."

The other half of the world said it vaguely remembered her dating Peter Gabriel right around the time his music started to suck and pointed out, "Prince wrote her only good song anyway."

For her own part O'Connor has said, "Please, I just want to be a little old lady now, and not be all controversial and not be bashed and called crazy and laughed at when I open my mouth to sing or speak."

It seems likely that the rest of the world and O'Connor can come to some sort of compromise, for example if her "little old lady" moniker were appended with "who's a crazy media-whore."

Insane in the membrane

Insane in the brain!

Part 2: based on past performance what can we expect?

2004-09-20T08:57:00.000-04:00

A continuation of last Friday's piece on the current election.

But MVB what about all this hubbub about the candidate’s Viet Nam records? Isn’t that just distracting from the real issues?

Well to a certain extent yes, but I do believe prior job performance can illuminate what kind of a job the candidate will do in office.

Let’s start with Kerry. Born a rich kid, but generally has done stuff on his own. Swift boat dudes for Bush can say what they want, the Green Beret Kerry pulled out of the water says that he owes his life to Kerry. I’ll take that guy at his word--he was there and has little to gain from fabricating this story.

Kerry then became an avid protester against Viet Nam, and I think while that was a tragic era in America, history is on his side. However you feel about this tragic era, his protests certainly shouldn’t preclude him from being commander in chief—especially since our last two Presidents avoided the war completely.

Then he was a very successful prosecutor and by all accounts was tough on crime while still making his office work expediently, getting cases processed instead of letting them languish. His private law practice was a successful business. His Senate career is distinguished and he has represented his state admirably and to the great acclaim of his constituents. Nit pick a bill here or there if you must, but basically you’ve got a record of evenhanded responsibility.

Now lets look at Bush. Whatever rules Bush may or may not have broken while in the National Guard we do know that his father helped get him out of Viet Nam. We know he was trained as a pilot and an officer and that he choose rather than to complete that duty to the best of his ability to ask for a leave to work on a political campaign in Alabama while there was a shortage of combat pilots in Viet Nam. It may have been perfectly legal, but it doesn’t display strong character or the leadership qualities becoming an officer in any level of the American military.

He then tried to run for congress and lost. No big deal, happens to the best of us... loser.

He bought an oil company with money from his dad’s friends and then sold all his stock right before the company went bankrupt. He didn’t file his paper work with the SEC, but he was never really investigated--I'm sure the political connections of his family at the highest levels of government overseeing the SEC had nothing to do with it. He bought an interest in the Texas Rangers, which became worth a lot of money when his campaign to build a new stadium with taxpayer money went through. Also traded Sammy Sosa for nothing.

So lets see that’s two more instances of his decisive leadership ending up in failure for those of you keeping track and one of him making a personal fortune on the backs of honest tax payers.

He did parlay his name, coincidently the name of one of the most famous politicians of the day into a governorship. As governor, he gutted environmental legislation, making Texas first in pollution and 49th in environmental spending. Also dramatically cut education spending, to the point where many Texas school systems can no longer afford free kindergarten. He cut a program that gave health care to disadvantaged kids. Sponsored legislation that took debt incurred by private energy companies and made it public debt, to the tune of $9 billion. Turned a large budget surplus into a large deficit through irresponsible tax cuts that simply moved the state’s burden to municipalities and in other cases left critical programs un-funded.

Then of course he became President and achieved a similar level of failure as seen in part one.

I believe I’ve argued with rather strong evidence that George Bush has a long history of decisively bad leadership and in several cases failed leadership, starting with his military service, personal business and political offices.

The choice given to the American people is not between a flip-flopper and a decisive leader. The choice is between two men with the will to lead, only one of which has ever shown any ability to rise to burden of his responsibilities and succeed.

Teach the children ,save the nation

I see the destruction, the situation

They're corrupt, and their time's up soon

PART1: Sure he’s decisive… decisively bad

2004-09-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

In the past I’ve given my party-mate John Kerry a few suggestion on running a more successful campaign. As we get down to crunch-time, real the nitty-gritty of the campaign I think I can provide a little prospective on a few “issues” of the campaign. Namely, the notion of decisive leadership and the importance of past job performance and service to the current campaign. Today, in part one we will address decisive leadership.

President Bush says the difference between him and Kerry is that he’s decisive and that Kerry flip-flops.

OK, you’re saying Kerry changes his mind sometimes. I’d have to agree with that, he changes his mind, particularly when new information is brought to his attention that changes the situation. President Bush on the other hand would rather us ride out the mistake.

Take Iraq for example. Clearly, we went to war based on the morally questionable premises of increased regional stability and securing a large oil supply for foreign export.

We’ve certainly gone to war over less, but it’s hardly Washington crossing the Delaware in terms of noble causes.

The rest of the reasons we heard were bull shit to help gloss over the harsh realities of the potential American dead with democratic platitudes and outright irrational fear.

Saddam did the worst of his genocide before the first Gulf War, if we cared that much about gassed Kurds and murdered political prisoners, we would have taken care of it over ten years ago—therefore the immediate need to save the Iraqi people is crap, we had lots of chances to do it and now is no better a time than before. Weapons of mass destruction never existed, the CIA said as much and the Pentagon told them to shut the hell up. International networks of Arab terrorists weren’t hiding out in Iraq (but they are now). So let’s not even address those reasons as immediate or credible.

But we did go and now we have to deal with the problem. But we never had and still do not have a plan for Iraq’s post Saddam stability. After all this time we still don’t have enough troops (ours or better yet those from allies) on the ground to achieve that goal--this isn't just my opinion but the opinion of most military experts out side of the Presient's immediate sphere.

It is decisively bad leadership—they picks one Titanic-esque direction and don't bother to turn for any on coming icebergs.

The situation is the same on every possible campaign issue.

Education. No child left behind, a questionable idea for raising the bar on American education that the President left un-funded, despite promises to congressional voters that it would be fully funded.

The economy. He’s the first President in 75 years to lose jobs over his 4 years, almost 2 million of them. The inflation adjusted income of most Americans going down while the corporate crooks in Enron write our national energy policy and the richest Americans gobble up the bulk of ridiculous tax cuts. Oh, and the largest budget surplus in history became the largest deficit in history. Makes the Panic of 1837 look the Yahoo! IPO.

Homeland Security. Tom Ridge recently got his business cards which is nice, but our airports are still highly vulnerable, not to mention our virtually unguarded ports, nuclear facilities, bridges, and chemical plants. Oh, and the soft targets… look what regular Americans did to our national psyche in Columbine, CO. and Oklahoma City and tell me that an international terror network couldn’t cause that level of fear with twice the damage and half the effort.

So, basically, George Bush has been a lousy President. Seems obvious to me that decisive isn’t necessarily a good thing when you usually choose the wrong path and then are too stubborn to correct your mistakes.

Please stay tuned for part 2 of this article.

Down to die, for everything I represent

Meant every word, in my letter to the President

Erotic Museum isn't

2004-09-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

Hugh Hefner was just inducted into the Erotic Museum of Hollywood's Hall of Fame.

The museum which takes a scholarly approach to the subject of erotica picked Hef because to the liberalizing effect of Playboy on American sexuality.

Obvs.

But I'm thinking that they also should have considered that time has not been kind to Hef. Paying young women to have sex with your decrepit and viagra charged pre-corpse is a great gig if you can get it but not real erotic. The fact that your sexcapades take place after lame ass disco parties with Scott Baio, Fred Durst and that guy from Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher (uh, I guess that would be Bill Maher) is totally sad and un-erotic.

Fellow upcoming inductees Mae West, psychoanalyst Dr. Sigmund Freud, birth control advocate Margaret Sanger and sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer should help insure that this museum is the most erotic free zone in all of Hollywood (next to Liz Taylor's place natch).

It takes fifty dollars to make me holler.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2004-09-15T09:52:00.000-04:00

According to experts at the current Fashion Week in New York, slutwear is on it's way out.

As far as MVB is concerned sluts are always IN!

Though to be fair, that has a lot more to do with what they don't wear than what they do wear.

In general, thinking is that designers may be acting a bit reactionary to their ho-shions seeping into the kids clothes market. But in my experience once you've let the "tween thong" genie out of the bottle, you're going to have a pretty hard time getting it back in.

Of course these fashionista always lead the general market by several months or even years. If you can't live without see through blouses and low-rise-ass-crack jeans, I suggest you get off the coasts in move to the interior. I suspect the first pair of crotchless boy shorts is just coming off the truck at the Topeka Target. By the time the modesty movement hit's these places, the coasts will probably have re-upped the ante on whoredom... assless chaps, 24-hour dildo jeans, crotch shots on drivers licenses, you get the idea.

You got to stay upon your toes when it come to hos

Suddenly wishing I was buried in California

2004-09-14T10:25:00.000-04:00

Hey don't get me wrong, I love the ladies and just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't still have the urge to get it on, but in my experience necrophiliacs come with a lot of baggage that I'm just not looking for right now in a relationship.

Plus most of them are dudes and I just don't flow that way.

My epitaph will read
Was the last of Gs
Kicked the shit to make the white man bleed
God bless the dead

You Can't Polish a Terd...

2004-09-13T13:59:00.000-04:00

But Apparently you can synthesis piss!

That's right an American company with the stupid and meaningless name of Dyna-Tek (I would have called it WisCo or Peetek) has developed a product called Surine.

They claim it's better for medical research or something because real human piss, "smells", "can foam" and "decays rapidly".

Nothing worse than a jar of decayed pee-pee I always say.

Clearly the real market opportunities here are stoners trying to pass their drug screen at WalMarts and R Kelly.

Get a contract with the later and you gots a license to print money as far as I'm concerned.

After the show, it's the after-party
and after the party it's the hotel lobby.

Go Back to Doucheville Population, YOU

2004-09-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but here's a quick link to the awesomest t-shirts around. Cut the Douche Loose T-Shirts

Hey Gipper, ME FIRST!

2004-08-30T10:18:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you've heard of the effort supported by many conservatives to name everything, everywhere after Ronald Reagan. They were going to try and replace FDR on the dime with Ronnie, but Nancy said that was a dumb idea because FDR was Teflon Ron's hero.

Now they've moved on to the $10 bill, I guess making Aaron Burr fans very excited.

The bottom line here is this is a terrible idea, mainly because Reagan only died this year. I died in 1862 and I barely have shit named after me. Sure a few counties, some high schools, the occasional street -- don't get me wrong I like it, but I'll be damned if a b-movie actor gets some money before me.

Ronnie however, has a lot of living rich friends and crazed disciples -- in short resources. I've got a shitty free blog.

So here's what I propose, go to the Reagan legacy project site and borrow their write in campaign interface, but replace the "put Reagan on the ten dollar bill bs" with the following:

Subject: Reagan on the $10 Bill
President Martin Van Buren is way cooler than Ronald Reagan, even though they are both quite dead.

Some people think Ronald Reagan brought communism to its knees, but then again it could have just been their own bloated and corrupt infrastructure falling in on itself and he could have just slept through the '80s.

So why bother naming anything after Ronald Reagan? Especially when so few things are named after Martin Van Buren, who as we noted before is way cooler than Reagan.

I do think America must make sure that future generations never forget what President Reagan did. Make monkey movies; sell arms to Iran, Iraq, and the Afghanistani mujahideen who became Al Qaeda. Oh yeah, he also took lots of naps.

But that can be done over email or with encyclopedias; you don't need to re-name schools, airports or currency with his picture to remember that.

The time is right to not put Reagan on our currency. FDR, Eisenhower and JFK were all on currency less than a year from their deaths. But they were good Presidents. Martin Van Buren died in 1862, and still hasn't gotten his due -- WTF?

Please don't support the effort to put Reagan on the $10 bill! Instead lets make a new bill like, $12 or maybe the $500 so that Puff Daddy can still carry crazy cash but have a lighter wallet. Oh, don't forget the new money should totally have Martin Van Buren on it.

That would be awesome.

If we all get together with one voice as Americans we can build up my ego at the expense of another dead President!

Get a box of Newports and Puma sweats

I'd buy one

2004-08-27T17:10:00.000-04:00

I don't know why GM pulled this Corvette ad off the air.

I've never been in a car, don't know how to drive, been dead since 1862 and I'm seriously thinking of getting one.

I mean clearly the kid in the ad has a huge schwantz, you can just tell by looking at his car. It's so obvs, it's schmobvs.

Accentuate your manhood anyway you can, that's what MVB says.

If it takes a $35,000 car, then so be it.

Then she bit me

It's all about me baby, me

2004-08-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

As I've often said, the electrophonic confines of my computational limbo can be a little dull. It often feels like I refresh Gawker and whatevs like a thousand time a day just to see if they've got any new buzz. They only thing worse is googling one's self all day to see if there is anything you don't know about yourself or that you don't know other people know.

But being in the unique position of being a statesmen of some renowned, I thought today, "hey, I could eBay myself."

There was all sorts of crap up there, campaign items, engravings, etc. It's a little disappointing that the first edition of my political biography is only going for $9.99, of course it was written before I was President and is hence a little incomplete.

But hold your horses, what's that... one of my letter's is worth $4,500! That's a nice piece of coin for a stupid letter, hell my emails must be worth at least a couple hundred don't you think? I mean they aren't as rare as photos of TMFTML, but they're not in wide circulation either.

Oh, I guess someone's already thought of that!

How enterprising that Gorilla would put our correspondence up for sale! That young man is going places.

I tell you what's some bull shit though, James K Polk's signature is worth $12,000! $7500 more than mine, for the Mexican fighting Polk? That's such crap.

California, knows how to party

Ten is more than none

2004-08-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

Ten Nobel Prize winners in economics have endorsed John Kerry stating that President Bush's, "poorly designed" tax cuts that instead of creating jobs have turned budget surpluses into enormous budget deficits, a "fiscal irresponsibility threatens the long-term economic security and prosperity of our nation." In other news President Bush was endorsed by a group of NASCAR Dad's who all agree that Chick-Fil-A on Main and Kennedy might be a target for A-rab terrorists because of it's central location and importance to the local waffle fry distribution and consumption.

In other news, it has been pointed out that George Bush sr. wrote in his book, "A World Transformed," that a full-out invasion of Iraq would probably be difficult and come at great physical and human costs. "Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land. It would have been a dramatically different — and perhaps barren — outcome."

This is of course utterly ridiculous and incomprehensible. There is no way after 6 years on the market anyone actually read all the way to chapters 18 and 19 of this book. Even if you were only skimming, I defy you to read more than four pages without falling asleep.

La-di-da-di, we like to party

We don't cause trouble, we don't bother nobody

Science Marches On!

2004-08-23T09:42:00.000-04:00

Researchers at President Washington's home at Mount Vernon are trying to piece together every available fragment of information available on the father of our country's actual appearance. Data includes hair samples, his clothes, numerous written descriptions, and of course art work featuring his likeness.

So far all evidence points to the fact that HE LOOKED AN EFFIN' LOT LIKE GEORGE EFFIN' WASHINGTON!

They even considered exhuming his corpse to be able to build forensic models from his bones. Jeez Louise, how about instead of desecrating the tomb of a national hero you just look at a dollar bill? Hell, even better I'll give you four quarters for that dollar bill and you and three of your friends can get an idea of what he looked like.

I am so glad I had those daguerreotypes made of me. I just wanted everyone to remember how natty I looked in wool, the added bonus is that it keeps some grad student from fondling my remains.

Grab my 40-ounce and then I reminisce

About a brother who had to be the one and only

So I dedicate this to my dead homiez...

Crazy is the new black

2004-08-20T15:09:00.000-04:00

Watch out now, JANE PAULIE use to be crazy!!!

I'm sure this revelation has nothing to do with her up coming talk show.

Crazy Michael Jackson doesn't want to be called "wacko" anymore, but he is considering buying a mansion in Liechtenstein. Liechtensteinening police are reportedly preparing a kiddie porn search warrant just in case Wacko Jacko follows through with his crazy plan.

Octogenarian nutjob and fitness guru Jack LaLain compares himself to Jesus and not some Puerto Rican guy neither, but the actual Christ. Better keep the crack out of the juicer you crazy fuck!

now I’m the rashiki smokin the lick licky

10 freaky girls inside the chin tiki

The begining of the end of the end, but not quite the end

2004-08-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

In a stunning case of trying to ruin everybody's good time for the umpteenth time, teachers are apparently starting to use blogs to teach kids.

According to their fellow fun governors over at the New York Times,

For teachers, blogs are attractive because they require little effort to maintain, unlike more elaborate classroom Web sites, which were once heralded as a boon for teaching. Helped by templates found at sites like tblog.com and movabletype.org, teachers can build a blog or start a new topic in an existing blog by simply typing text into a box and clicking a button.

For me this is the equivalent of Daniel Webster ruining a national holiday bill with an 8 hour filibuster on the American Work Ethic or your mom asking you to turn up the Van Halen song that you were sure she would hate.

Blogs my friends aren't for good uses like learning or earnst political discussion. Dean proved that baby. He had a "successful" blog and where is he now? Right, giving speeches to shit farmers in support of someone else's campaign. Blogs are for pictures of your drunk friends, berating Paris Hilton's sexual experiences, talking about hatred for formerly obscure Scottish bands that have hit on TRL and how you loath them, fake stories of drug abuse, people you've always wanted to call a douche in person, but never had the courage to acctually call a douche so you type it, you know important shit.

Next thing you'll know they'll have porn models holding up flash cards over all the good parts to further exploit the educational value of the web.

Purposeful blogs, MVB says no buzz.

Oh my god it's a mirage

The Voice of Experience

2004-08-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

The after effects of hurricane Charley seem to be mounting. In the days and weeks to come this terrible tragedy could escalate to what most of you would consider epic proportions. But to those of us from the 19th century this kind of living is just another day with poo-infested drinking water.

In that light, here's a few pointers I have for surviving without all the typical modern conveniences Floridians are use to enjoying.

1. If you find a body, carcass or segmentation of carrion in your well, stream or other source of fresh water (Absopure delivery truck?), yell at it to see if it is dead. Poking it with a stick is probably just going to open it up, releasing puss, pestilence and otherwise nasty gore. I also hear boiling water is good, but I don't drink water so I wouldn't really know.

2. If you do contract cholera seek medical attention and drink plenty of fluids. As in preventing prison rape, corking your butthole really doesn't help the situation and may in fact make it worse.

4. If you are concerned the food you have may be rotten, soaking it in sour-mash whiskey BEFORE you eat it may kill some of the offending bacteria. Soaking it in whiskey after you eat it will likely only exacerbate your situation. But you will get super-ripped.

5. It is okay to laugh at a city named for the Spanish words for "fat ass" (Punta Gorda) getting a collective case of the green apple splatters.

6. One-way to avoid mosquitoes caring diseases like malaria, West Nile and uh... Parkinson’s, is to close all your windows to keep out the bugs and light your house on fire. You see it's a scientific fact that mosquitoes hate smoke. If your house was destroyed in the hurricane, your neighbor's house will probably work in a pinch.

7. Over exerting yourself in the cleanup effort may induce a heart attack or stroke, so don't fix anything, the next hurricane is just going to fuck it all up again anyway.

Hurricane you got clout

Other DJ's he'll put your head out

Word up

2004-08-17T08:56:00.000-04:00

Great Republican National Convention Ad

WATCH YOUR SPEAKER VOLUME AT WORK ON THIS ONE!!!

From Counterconvention.org

Dedicated to 86ing George W. Bush in 2004

It's Inflation Yo.

2004-08-13T12:25:00.000-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's really nothing much new under the sun.

Take for example the issue of brutality from officers of state--people rail against it like it's something new, but ask the brother who got shot by the red coats in the Boston Massacre and he'd tell you a different story... if he had survived being shot... and then it really wouldn't have been a Massacre... and I probably wouldn't bring it up.

Anyway, back in Kinderhook we had a very well intentioned constable by the name of Milhouse Van Houten (I know just like the Simpson’s, but obvs not the same guy). Constable Van Houten was very conscientious and one day he asked for my advice on the constitutionality of beating a man with cudgel, since I was an ex-President.

I firmly stated that we should review the broad circumstances of a constable pummeling and apply the standard set forth in the 8th Amendment.

First off did the SOB on the short end of the cudgel have it coming? Did his actions warrant a "punishment", in this case a beat down with a sizeable wooden weapon?

Second, was the beating cruel or did the constable stop a few licks short of cruel or at least pull up on the later hits?

Finally, even if the douchebag got a full-on-uber-smack-down, qualifying perhaps as cruel, was the punishment unusual?

"Clearly, Constable Van Houten a violent beatdown with a hunk of wood is not that uncommon. It happens all the time. Why just the other day I smacked an umpire in the head with a bat at my over 50 rounders game--perfectly constitutional, since I was safe and the ump was a cockface."

This whole recollection got me thinking, "I wonder what a decent cudgel goes for these days?"

Would you believe the cheapest I could find on froogle was $89.95? That's a whole bunch of dead prez for simple damn cudgel.

I mean yeah, there was this piece of crap on eBay somebody was passing off as a cudgel for $11, but that my friend is just a long stick, not a cudgel. I wouldn't even beat my kids with that piece of crap.

Well it was a Wednesday

Me and Boss Hog was kinda hungry

God is trying to give you a message

2004-08-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to accept that there is a higher power in the universe and that sometimes he's trying to deliver a message to you through dramatic means.

So for example if you were The Black Eyed Peas' and your studio burnt down to the ground in the middle of recording your new album, you should just quit music and accept that God is telling you that you haven't had any buzz since "Joints and Jam" on the Bullworth Soundtrack and that adding Fergie was totally lame.

The lord works in mysterious ways, granted insurance fraud arson for hire isn't his usual M.O, but it's the lord. And he's mysterious.

What are you going to do?

Pass the joint

Pass the Jam

Turn that shit up

Play it again

Pulling a Badly Drizzed Biz

2004-08-11T10:47:00.000-04:00

A hundred-year-old Kabbalah scholah is turning Madonna down!

Rabbi Keduri won't meet with her when she visits Isreal next month because it is his opinion that women and non-Jews are not allowed to study Kabbalah... oh and huge whores, they aren't allowed to either, I almost forgot the last part of the Material Girl trifecta.

I also suspect that he's concerned that all the hoopla Madge has brought to his faith might bring notice to the fact that it's a huge pile of mystical-crap hiding behind the guise of the legitimate religious ethos of Judaism.

Dude's gotta a good thing going, why Hollywood wants to mooch in on his particular brand of scamola is beyond me.

Unless it's somehow connected to their quest to drape their vapid, empty souls in the trappings of higher meaning... plus the red string draws attention to the quality of one's manicure, so it's got that going for it too.

You'd rather see me in the pen

Then me and Lorenzo rollin in the Benzo

Could you be a little more specific?

2004-08-10T14:07:00.000-04:00

We are truly a nation of the special.

Special ed, blue-plate specials, after school specials, special interests, I could go for hours.

Everybody's got an angle, a unique little view on the world and in that light I want to present you with the Muslims For Nader blog's link to a Mumia Abu Jamal article.

I know what you are saying, but MVB how can you call this a niche? Muslims for Nader that alone is like teens of people, perhaps dozens. And who doesn't like Free Mumia?

Oh, you aren't giving away Mumia? He's a guy on death row? Oh, I get the connection now, I thought it was some kind of Polynesian food give-away. Like free poi with every coconut or something like that.

Anyway, like I was saying, what's got more broad based appeal than the combo of Islam, Nader and a guy who probably killed a cop, but who we want free cause he articulates our hatred of "the man" in a marginally successful fashion?

Oh, I don't know, discount steak for Buddhists?

I asked for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

Buzzless in D.C.

2004-08-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

When I was Secretary of State for President Andrew Jackson we would often start our morning meetings with the "Tennessee" version of a continental breakfast, various fried, sugary doughs and coffee so strong it'd make you "slap your grandpappy down".

During one of these morning meetings Vice President John C. Calhoun and I became embroiled in a debate as to which of us had made the superior breakfast choice.

I of course was on the side of the light and crispy apple fritter on my plate and Calhoun, ever the douche bag, was attempting to defend some cakey piece of crap with sprinkles that he only selected because he was late to the meeting and didn't want the only other option, a day old half of a bran muffin.

The President stood silently through our argument merely gazing out into the rose garden seemingly unaware of our conversation.

Then after a moment of silence the President solemnly intoned, "So you two like doughnuts?"

He quickly spun around and said, "Then how you like deez nuts?" Then revealing the scrotum-in-chief.

As Damore often says, "no buzz."

I didn't even have to use my AK, I gotta say it was a good day.

Understanding Your Target Market

2004-08-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

Don Henley recently angered some of his fans in the O.C. by engaging in a mid-concert diatribe about the injustice his good buddy and former boss, Linda Rondstadt, suffered in Las Vegas when her casino gig and even her hotel room were pulled out from under her for promoting Fahrenheit 9/11.

Apparently, a bunch of people walked out of the show in disgust. It's an excellent example of the first amendment in action. Henley has the right to speak his mind and his audience likewise registered their disagreement in a non-violent, yet demonstrable fashion.

And let's face it Henley is easily one of the most irritating, grating and obnoxious celebrity politicos this side of Nancy Reagan. He talked about saving Walden Pond so damn much eventually the guys on the Green Peace boat were like, "You know what? Fuck it. Pave the bitch. Just fill the fucker with cement and call it a day."

But the real issue here is that Henley fails to realize that people who like his music also blow the proverbial "donkey-dick". Who in this day and age can honestly rock out to "Boys of Summer" or "Any Eagles Song That isn't the Joe Walsh part in Hotel California"?

Clearly only assholes.

Starched colar-45-year-old-CPA types who plan on a wild night at a "rock" concert by wearing a golf shirt (GET THIS) not on a golf course and maybe having a margarita with the wife. These are the kind of people who find Nora Jones a little too up-tempo and intense.

In short, Henley shouldn't be surprised that half of America seems indignantly oblivious to obvious faults of the current administration, these are the same people that have been acculturated to appreciate schlock in all it's many forms... Eagles Greatest Hits 1 & 2 for example.

Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed
Is that dope enough?
Indeed.

Guess what I heard?

2004-08-05T15:25:00.000-04:00

I heard you bought the Los Lonely Boys album and were rocking out to it all the way home from Best Buy!

Seers, even John Quincy Adams wouldn't rock that shit and he was just a half-tard, recovering drunk pimping his dad's good name for shits and giggles.

HOLLA!

Return of the Mack

2004-08-04T13:44:00.000-04:00

Some say Peabs is even crazier than my friend Gary.

All I know is that they both share a penchant for inebreation, whores and comidic negros.

She said I'll be your queen if you know what I mean and lets do the wild thing.

TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-04T09:53:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe my deep-blue, seductively strong and unusually perceptive eyes!!!

That is our President clearly conspiring with foreign generals.

I don't recognize the exact insignia, perhaps they are those Alsatian mercenaries the Holy Roman Emperor values so much, the one on the far right could be... Bohemian maybe? And I do believe the one in the middle is Captain Crunch!!!!

Soon our shores will be over run by this Holy-Roman-Mercenary-Cereal-Eating-Vaguely-Eastern-European-Intellectual-Horde!!!!

Color painted daguerreotypes don't lie my friends we have a full blown Benedict Arnold in our midst and I ain't talkin' about Pat Morita.

You better check yo self fool!

You gotts to be shittin me!

2004-08-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

W Ketchup has recently become available on the market.

That's right folks, a real honest to god republican ketchup is finally available!

I can see the brainstorming session now:

Hey Susie, how many people out there are stupid enough to think Kerry's wife is the owner of ketchup factories?

Gee Bob, I don't know, it's clearly a publicly traded company, but then again a shit load of people still think Iraq had something to do with 9/11.

Ummmhmm, and Jesus made the top 5 of the most popular Americans in History--I mean, he's a nice guy, son of God and all, but clearly a first century Jew.

Okay, that takes care of the self-delusional and mid-Ameritards, but can't we really blow this thing out?

Assholes.

What?

Assholes. They'll buy anything to bring attention to what utter douche bags they are.

Good call and if the db's don't carry their share we can always dump the excess capacity on Halliburton to serve to the troops.

Yeah, but we'd have to at least quadruple the price first.

$12 bottles of ketchup... Hey this business plan is coming together!!

Yeah between this and our oil organically drilled in small batches by hippies in Vermont we can afford to get citzenship in the Caymans!

Open up your mouth if you want the food

Take in full, Flipmode, cuz I'm in the mood

Iraq didn't even have one fighting monkey!

2004-08-02T13:17:00.000-04:00

Color me amazed!

When I glossed over a yahoo article this morning and deduced from my brief scan that Thailand was training an army of super-ape warriors I was shocked.

In my day, I once had the pleasure of meeting the King of Siam on one of his western jaunts.

He was a lovely fellow, majestic, regal, bald, always quoting Harriet Beecher Stowe... but oh man did he like the white girls!

I tell you what, that's probably why they've got the monkey army!

The heavily armed apes will come and carry off our women like hairy, 400 lbs. Apache!

If there was ever a time for pre-emptive war, and there isn't, this would be it.

The mac dad will make you jump jump

The daddy mac will make you jump jump